I Am Better Than Your Corporate Art

by Cosmo

Sep 23, 06:56 PM

If you’ve ever worked in an office, you’ve probably been subjected to corporate art. It’s the grown-up version of those signs you used to see in gym class that said “There’s No ‘I’ in Team” or “The whole is greater than the sum of the parts”. I’d imagine companies spend billions of dollars on this crap, which is fucking fascinating because its blandness and predictability only reinforce the despair of slaving away for a soulless corporate entity. Well, I’m sick of it. So in the great tradition of Maddox, I present you with “I Am Better Than Your Corporate Art”.

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Wendy's Insider

by Tom Temple

Feb 17, 01:49 AM

Ever since the Airtran Cup thing, I’ve gotten a lot more familiar with the Wendies Menu. The menu from one on Mass ave at Berkley contains:

#Junior Cheeseburger $.99 #Junior Cheeseburger Deluxe $.99 #Junior Bacon Cheeseburger $.99

If you’re unfamiliar with Wendy’s fare {JCD}—{JC} = {pickles, onions, mustard} and {JBC}—{JC} = {bacon}.

You can’t ask for a “Junior Bacon Cheeseburger Deluxe” since that isn’t on the menu—get kicked out of the store. If you ask for a “Junior Cheeseburger Deluxe with bacon” if you’re lucky, you’ll get a sandwich but it’ll costs you $1.39. Chances are good that you don’t get anywhere with that order either.

The correct thing to order is a “Junior Bacon Cheeseburger with pickles, onions and mustard” since adding those items is explicitly allowed at no charge1. But it is perilous to order with that particular wording because you will find yourself with a cheeseburger lacking tomato and lettuce and mayo. What tends to work for me is, “Junior Bacon Cheeseburger to which I would like added [pause] pickles, onions and mustard.”

The key is to stress the word add. They are going to need to press a special button to make your order work… a button that says “ADD” on it. Then you watch their eyes and gauge the level of fear—you need to be prepared to quickly call it off to avoid destroying the whole restaurant.

Another insider Wendy’s trick is that you can get ground up M&M’s in your frosty for $.30 extra (and occasionally for free if the cashier is new or flustered from your JBCD).

1 While the posters say that they even encourage this sort of customization, in practice it would seem otherwise.

18 East South Street Pipes Frozen (forwarded from Susan P. Weider)

by Jon Shea

Dec 21, 01:03 AM

Dear Tenants of 18 East South Street:

I have very bad news. The pipes at 18 East South Street have
frozen and all of the radiators, toilets, and water lines have
burst. This means that as soon as the temperature in the house
gets back up above freezing more than a hundred of gallons of
frozen water will thaw out and leak, causing possible water
damage to your possessions. It seems that you did not make
sufficient arrangements to have oil delivered to the apartments
and you ran out and had no heat. It also appears that you did
not take precautions when going away to make sure you had someone
checking on your unit for you in case there was a problem. A
preliminary estimate is that it will cost in excess of $30,000 to
repair the heating system and pipes.

So:

1. Until we can get heat back into the building (fix all the
pipes which will probably take months) no one can live in these
apartments. You should begin looking for alternative housing
accommodations. I have spoken with people at Residential Life
and they do have housing. You should contact Gwen Williams or
Rachel Giguere at Residential Life right away if you are
interested as College offices are shutting down on December 22nd.
You could also look for alternative housing in the Upper Valley
Rental Housing list which this office puts together on our
website at: www.dartmouth.edu/realestate.

2. Someone needs to come and remove possessions from the
building to protect them from the water that will come out once
the temperature rises. This should be done immediately for the
protection of your possessions.

3. You should notify whatever company that you use for tenant
insurance to see if they will cover the damage to the building
(and to your possessions if you cannot get them out before the
water thaws). Remember that we are not responsible for the loss
of your possessions. If you planned on having a sub-lessee for
the winter term, you should contact them right away about their
need to find alternative accommodations and regarding the
potential damage to their property.

In taking about this in our office, it does seem like a waste of
money to spend in excess of $30,000 to make repairs for people to
live in the building for only one more term (as we are not
planning on renting these apartments again after June 30, 2006).
Under the terms of your lease we “may terminate the Lease by
providing the Lessee with 30 days written notification, for any
reason whatsoever…” It is not reasonable for us to expend
more money to fix a building which is going to be removed than we
get get in rent for the next six months. It would also save
you from having to reimburse us for the repairs. Accordingly,
this should serve as official notice that we are terminating your
leases at 18 East South Street as of January 31, 2006. I would
appreciate it if you all could discuss with each other what your
plans are and confirm with me your acknowledgment regarding the
lease termination and when you can get your possessions from the
building.

Susie

Optimized Personal Finance

by Jon Shea

Oct 12, 05:23 PM

Last year I set out on a quest for Optimized Personal Finance. With the help of The Motley Fool, Bankrate, and Marketplace: Money I have arrived at the solution. I’m posting it here, on the Internet, as a service to the world.

Checking / Short term savings: Everyone should have [their monthly income * 3-6 months] in cash on hand, you know, just in case. Right now the best place to keep this is Bank of Internet USA “Freedom Checking” account. This account requires a $1000 minimum balance, but gets you 3.10% interest and $7 a month in reimbersed out-of-network ATM fees in addition to all of the normal online banking perks. The fee for going bellow the $1000 minimum balance is pretty low.

I think online banking is the way to go. I almost never need to go to a bank in person, and I don’t know why so many other people do. If your bank has buildings, then you are paying to staff, power, and heat those buildings. You might be paying in the form of lower interest rates and higher fees, but you’re paying.

I’m moving over to Bank of Internet (I know the name sounds sketchy, but they’re legit) from E*Trade Bank. E*Trade’s checking plan is almost as good, but I’ve recently had a spat with them over fees, and so they’re being punished.

Downside: Occasionally, you may need a special bank service, like a Medallion Signature, and every local bank will turn their nose up at you. This has never happened to me, but it might happen to some people. Also, Bank of Internet, as far as I can tell, doesn’t operate any ATMs itself, so to remain optimal you’ve got to limit your ATM withdrawals to the $7 fee / month reimbursement max. That’s not such a big deal.

Credit Card: This choice is difficult to optimize. I’m going to assume that you will use your credit card for convenience but not for credit, ie you will never carry a balance. With this assumption in place we can limit our optimization to rewards programs.

There are three types of rewards programs: cash, airline miles, and bonus points. If you assume that you would use every airline ticket you get from your credit card on an expensive flight, then miles can significantly outperform cash back. That said, miles are complicated and may have blackout dates or other limitations. Furthermore, airline miles are an unregulated currency. Currently they are an enormous outstanding liability for the struggling airline industry. If airlines decide tomorrow that it’s going to take 100,000,000 miles to get a free ticket instead of however many miles it currently takes (and I think they will), then you’re SOL.

Personally, I go for the cash back. Cash is like generalized airline miles. You can still use it to buy a plane ticket if you want, but you don’t have to. I haven’t seen any bonus points programs that out perform my cash back, but they might exist.

I use the Motley Fool branded MBNA Mastercard right now for 1% cash back on everything. Some cards, such as the Citi® Dividend Platinum Select® MasterCard® offer 5% back at gas stations and grocery stores, and 1% back everywhere else, but I’ve been rejected every time I’ve applied. The reason: no revolving balance. Oh well, they still might be worth your time, some of my friends had better luck.

Medium term savings: You should put aside money for large, foreseeable expenses you expect to incur in the next 2-10 years. Buying a new car, or making a down payment on a home, for example. This page at Bankrate lists the top 100 yielding savings and money market accounts in the country. For the past 6 months Emigrant Direct has been parked at the top, and I think they’re likely to stay there. They seem to have a powerful devotion to keeping costs low, and yields high.

The way Emigrant Direct works is interesting. They don’t have local branches, you don’t get checking privillages, and you can’t even mail them checks for deposit. The only way yo get money in and out is by Electronic Fund Transfer from another banking account. From my E*Trade account this procedure is pretty much trivial. I set things up so that some money gets transfered over every month, right after I get my stipend, in observance of the old “Pay yourself first” motto of saving.

Downside: ETF take a couple days to go through, so you don’t have immediate access to your savings. I don’t find this to be a problem, my checking account or credit limit has been big enough to float every expense that has less than 2 days lead time. Also, make sure your bank doesn’t charge for ETF. I’ve never had a bank that did, but I’ve also never banked with Bank of America.

Retirement savings: If your employer offers a contribution matching on their retirement plan, then you should max out their offer. Otherwise, start an IRA. There are two important types of IRAs, called Roth and Traditional. With a Traditional IRA you don’t pay income tax on the money you put in, but you do pay income tax on the money you take out when you’re retired. Roth IRAs work the other way, you pay full income tax on the money you put in, taking money out is entirely tax free. The math to determine which is optimal is woefully intractable, but Roth seems to be the popular choice, especially for those of us who are currently in the lower tax brackets.

My Roth IRA is in a Vanguard Target Retirement 2045 Fund. Vanguard specializes in index funds. This fund automatically adjusts its composition from aggressive/high risk to conservative/low risk as I get older.

Big day in 18

by Scott Meek

Oct 5, 03:21 PM

I’m not sure if any of you heard the news today, but here in building 18 today the mood is very festive. The day is especially exciting for the grad students in my group (although not nearly as much as it is for those in Shrock’s) because one of the other winners, Robert Grubbs of the other institute of technology, is our academic grandfather! Yes, academic grandfather is an actual term; I didn’t invent it just to make my self feel special.

The chemistry these guys worked on is metathesis which utilizes transition metal catalysts to form/break double bonds. I used the technique recently to make a polymer, and its ease of use and effectiveness left me weak in the knees. If all chemistry were that good we would be building nano-flying cars instead of sticks, balls, and the occasional lever or wheel.

Congratulations, gentlemen!

p.s. There’s a Dartmouth Connection here as well. Prof. Grubbs of Dartmouth is the new Nobeloriate’s son!

Nobel Nomination

by Scott Meek

Mar 24, 04:46 AM

The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences
Sweden
Europe
Earth

Dear Distinguished Sirs,

It is my honor to nominate Thomas J. Temple, currently a graduate student in Aeronautics and Astronautics at the esteemed Massachvsetts Institvte of Technology for a Nobel Prize in the area of physics. Mr. Temple hath demonstrated his outstanding brilliance in innumerable ways, but time forbids me to speak of them all. His chief accomplishments include designing and building a new position sensing technology out of optical mice, constructing a revolutionary type of suspension bridge using only twine, and fabricating, from common household materials, the instrumentation needed to interpret the dance moves of human beings into the machine code of a Microsoft XBOX. It is no wonder that faculty at MIT describe Mr. Temple as “the smartest kid in the department”. Furthermore Mr. Temple meets these monumental contributions to field natural philosophy with equal contributions to Humanity at large. At Dartmovth college, conjuring the spirit of Isaac Newton himself, he played the game of pong with skill and honor yet unmatched by those who have suplanted him, ever taking back a sunk ball on any remotely low shot. With the help of Brayton Osgood, he took a skiing novice from Connecticut and, somehow, instructed him in the fine art of nordic competion. In the arena of XBOX live, he brings “1337” determination and fearless leadship to those who join him in Halo 2 combat. Mr. Temple’s contribution’s to humanity gain a measure of importance to this nomination in light of recent people claiming to have received nomination for the august prize, even when such claims have proved spurious at best. I assure the committee that Mr. Temple will never make such a presumption, assuming the unlikely event that he is denied the prize.

Thank you for your consideration

Scott T. Meek, Bachelor of Arts, Chymist
Teaching and Research Assistant
Massachvsetts Institvte of Technology
Cambridge

An Evening at Ramunto's

by Cosmo

Feb 9, 09:40 AM

(based on a actual events)

dramatis personae:

SCOTT MEEK, a chymist
THOMAS TEMPLE, a lush or drunk-ard
COSMO CATALANO, a poeticule, friend of TOM and SCOTT
A pizza-monger

Apology
What follows is a one act play,
Intended to (although it may
Or may not achieve this end)
Provide another view of my friend
TOM TEMPLE, who shows a different face
On this blog than in any other place.
To judge which TOM is most correct,
You’ll just have to meet him in the flesh.

[ entrant principales ]

CC: I am right famished after a long day’s skiing.
SM: What ho! A pizza-monger’s!
CC: The sign reads “Ramuntos;” ‘tis a good Sicilian name. We shall find a sumptuous repast within.
TT: ( with inexplicable loudness ) I am so huuuuuungry. I want garlic knots. So taaaaasty.
CC: ( aside )
One need never ask if Tom’s been drinking,
If one wonders, then one needs not make the asking.

[ they enter. A pizza-monger stands behind the counter ]

TT: ( to pizza-monger ) You there, sirrah! What is on the specials board to-night?
PM: ( runs his finger over the board and examines it curiously ) Appears to be chalk, milord.
TT: Aye, knave, Aye. But what does it say?
PM: It says but naught, sir, for it’s just chalk; known to sqeak from time to time but never intelligbly.
TT: Do not test me, knave. Read aloud what is written on it.
PM: I cannot, sir.
TT: Art thou literate?
PM: Aye, milord.
TT: ( angry ) Then why not? Doest thou mean to insult me? ( draws, almost slicing off COSMO’s ear in his intoxication )
CC: Easy killer…
SM: Tom, Tom…people are watching…
TT: Speak, knave. Loose your tongue or I shall loose it for you
PM: ( in terror ) Begging your pardon, sir, but when I ran my fingers across it, the lettering became obscured. As there is some chalk left on my hands, perhaps if I rub back the other way it shall reappear. ( attempts this, board becomes further smudged )

[ Tom lunges drunkely and misses, stabbing decorative pepperoni, which becomes lodged on his exceedingly dull sword. The PIZZA-MONGER dives to the floor. ]

SM: Jesus, Tom…
TT: ( examining blade ) Ah, ‘tis his liver! An excellent strike.
CC: Truly he has well the lesson learnt.
Shall we head for our table now,
before there’s no one left to make our pizza?
TT: And garlic knots…
SM: Yes, Tom. Now sit.

[ exeunt SCOTT and TOM ]

CC: I would like two large pizzas, one cheese
the other pepperoni, and a dozen
garlic knots. In payment, I shall return
Your liver. Dost thou accept my offer?
PM: ( cowering on floor) My liver? Oh, the beast hath skewered me true! I am a grave man. It grows darker…
CC: Come now, the liver has marv’lous power
of regeneration. Simply eat
A bite, swallow and stand up. ( offers pepperoni. PIZZA-MONGER accepts, eats ) You see?
PM: Why, It tastes like pepperoni, milord.
CC: Of course! Are you not a pizza-monger?
The flavor has suffused throughout your body,
like lead through a hatmaker’s. ( aside ) And to the same effect.
PM: ( stands ) Why, sir, ‘t grows much brighter now! And I feel not at all like a man run though! I am very much in your debt.
CC: It shall be resolved when I recieve my pizza.
PM: All accounts settled?
CC: The ledger shall be cleared.
PM: Oh thank you again, milord. I am most certainly in your…
CC: Hold knave. You are just now solvent again.
Why go back into the red so soon?
PM: A good point, sir. I shall bring your pizza soon as it’s ready.

[ exuent ]