The Hanover Collaboration

As Jimmy and Danny excuse themselves for another dangerous evening meeting new friends online, their parents Bob and Mary turn their conversation to the day’s news.

B: Honey, did you see that we might be getting a refund check from the government?

M: But we already got our tax money back.

B: I know, this is because gas prices are so high.

M: What do you mean?

B: Some Senators feel our pain, and they want to give us some money to help for the next year.

M: Well that’s nice, it costs me $30 a week just to commute to work, how much are they giving us?

B: $100, and they might suspend the gas tax too.

M: That’s amazing! If I’m really frugal with my driving I might get a month of free fill-ups from this. I love it when the government is looking out for me.

Space Physics graduate student retreat. JS and BP are graduate students. RH is the director large, well funded research institution. CE reviews funding proposals for the federal government.

Discussion topic: funding your research.

JS: Well, I was just about to ask about exactly that. When I graduate next year, is there any reason I can’t apply for funding to do research, like, out of my basement or where ever?
CE: Well, you get a lot for that money that goes to your institution. They take care of your heat and power. They give you a place to do your research.
RH: Also, there’s a certain amount of credibility that you gain by having an intuition’s name after yours.
JS: Obviously that’s the issue. “Jon Shea” isn’t prestigious enough. But research is supposed to be about merit and discovery, and I think it would be wrong to bias the funding too heavily by the prestige of someone’s institution.
CE: That’s true. And we do give some, maybe 11%, of our money to non-academic institutions. While it is possible to provide funding to unaffiliated individuals, logistically and in practice it is much easier if they are incorporated.
BP: Say a researcher had already, by whatever means, achieved a given result in his research. Suppose he then takes that result, and puts it aside, in escrow. What if he then submitted a propsal for funding of the research he had already done, and then used that money to do some new research. At the end, he could set aside the new result, and publish the old one. Would you say that this behavior ethical, and would you say that this behavior common?
RH: It isn’t ethical.
JS: But what if, for whatever reason, someone makes a great discovery without any funding, certainly that person deserves at least the same compensation as someone who has no guarantee of making any discovery at all.
BP: And, you’d be using that money to make new discoveries.
RH: The US government doesn’t pay for discoveries. It doesn’t buy them from people. It founds people to do research that they wouldn’t otherwise be able to do.
JS: But the outcome is the same in the steady-state case.
RH: That doesn’t matter. If you make a discovery, and you want to sell it to the private sector, then fine. But that isn’t what the government pays you for.

Over at Strangulating Obscurity the ghost of Hunter S. Thompson describes how he wants his commemoration to make up for a dissappointingly cliche suicide.

I’ve been taking the bus to work and there is this commercial for the New England Baptist Hospital where they’re like, “we have this surgeon who is so good, he makes model airplanes in his spare time. ” Then he comes on and he is like, “Yeah I once made this model and it had 213 parts. It took a lot of precision but that’s what I like about it.” I thought it was kinda dumb.

But in the day of lapro- and arthroscopic and robotically assisted surgery, I could think of a much sweeter comercial.

Narrator: At some workplaces during lunch, people play ping-pong or jog. Here at NEBH our surgeons are honing their skills.
—muted gunfire, explosions—
N: Surgery today is more about moving joysticks and watching a screen. A recent study found that surgeons who played 3 or more hours of video games per week make 37% fewer mistakes than those who don’t. That’s why we mandated “Halo lunch-break.”
—more gunfire—
Surgeon 1: Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Surgeon 2: You fucking sniper rifle whore.
S1: I just finished your brain surgery.
S3: Just wait until I get a ranged gun you spawn hunting slut.
N: All of our surgeons are ranked in the 20s
S1: Try level 30, Bitchaz!
S4: because you’re a camper.
—Single gunshot—
S1: Did you hear what my rifle had to say about about that? What, you were dead before the sound got there?
—explosion—
S2: Oh! Did you hear what my sticky grenade just said? You had plenty of time to chat with it before it went off. Now where’s that fucking sniper rifle.
N: They’re serious about Halo because they’re serious about your health.

(based on a actual events)

dramatis personae:

SCOTT MEEK, a chymist
THOMAS TEMPLE, a lush or drunk-ard
COSMO CATALANO, a poeticule, friend of TOM and SCOTT
A pizza-monger

Apology
What follows is a one act play,
Intended to (although it may
Or may not achieve this end)
Provide another view of my friend
TOM TEMPLE, who shows a different face
On this blog than in any other place.
To judge which TOM is most correct,
You’ll just have to meet him in the flesh.

[ entrant principales ]

CC: I am right famished after a long day’s skiing.
SM: What ho! A pizza-monger’s!
CC: The sign reads “Ramuntos;” ‘tis a good Sicilian name. We shall find a sumptuous repast within.
TT: ( with inexplicable loudness ) I am so huuuuuungry. I want garlic knots. So taaaaasty.
CC: ( aside )
One need never ask if Tom’s been drinking,
If one wonders, then one needs not make the asking.

[ they enter. A pizza-monger stands behind the counter ]

TT: ( to pizza-monger ) You there, sirrah! What is on the specials board to-night?
PM: ( runs his finger over the board and examines it curiously ) Appears to be chalk, milord.
TT: Aye, knave, Aye. But what does it say?
PM: It says but naught, sir, for it’s just chalk; known to sqeak from time to time but never intelligbly.
TT: Do not test me, knave. Read aloud what is written on it.
PM: I cannot, sir.
TT: Art thou literate?
PM: Aye, milord.
TT: ( angry ) Then why not? Doest thou mean to insult me? ( draws, almost slicing off COSMO’s ear in his intoxication )
CC: Easy killer…
SM: Tom, Tom…people are watching…
TT: Speak, knave. Loose your tongue or I shall loose it for you
PM: ( in terror ) Begging your pardon, sir, but when I ran my fingers across it, the lettering became obscured. As there is some chalk left on my hands, perhaps if I rub back the other way it shall reappear. ( attempts this, board becomes further smudged )

[ Tom lunges drunkely and misses, stabbing decorative pepperoni, which becomes lodged on his exceedingly dull sword. The PIZZA-MONGER dives to the floor. ]

SM: Jesus, Tom…
TT: ( examining blade ) Ah, ‘tis his liver! An excellent strike.
CC: Truly he has well the lesson learnt.
Shall we head for our table now,
before there’s no one left to make our pizza?
TT: And garlic knots…
SM: Yes, Tom. Now sit.

[ exeunt SCOTT and TOM ]

CC: I would like two large pizzas, one cheese
the other pepperoni, and a dozen
garlic knots. In payment, I shall return
Your liver. Dost thou accept my offer?
PM: ( cowering on floor) My liver? Oh, the beast hath skewered me true! I am a grave man. It grows darker…
CC: Come now, the liver has marv’lous power
of regeneration. Simply eat
A bite, swallow and stand up. ( offers pepperoni. PIZZA-MONGER accepts, eats ) You see?
PM: Why, It tastes like pepperoni, milord.
CC: Of course! Are you not a pizza-monger?
The flavor has suffused throughout your body,
like lead through a hatmaker’s. ( aside ) And to the same effect.
PM: ( stands ) Why, sir, ‘t grows much brighter now! And I feel not at all like a man run though! I am very much in your debt.
CC: It shall be resolved when I recieve my pizza.
PM: All accounts settled?
CC: The ledger shall be cleared.
PM: Oh thank you again, milord. I am most certainly in your…
CC: Hold knave. You are just now solvent again.
Why go back into the red so soon?
PM: A good point, sir. I shall bring your pizza soon as it’s ready.

[ exuent ]

I’m going to repost something I wrote back at DORK Forum over winter break. I hate to do it, but no one seems to be producing anything over here, so maybe this will kick things off.

The title refers to a song Ryan Adams wrote when he was performing with his old band, Whiskeytown. While many of his songs are brilliant poetry, this one is pretty simple, and you can get most of what you need out of it from this snipet:

well, excuse me if break my own heart tonight.
after all, it was mine.
...
can i have it back sometime?

Anyways, here’s my take:

Some Bitch’s apartment. RA is coming down from his high, but still very drunk

SB: Ryan, you can’t keep coming over in the middle of the night like this.
RA: I know, babe. It’s just that I miss you.
SB: I miss you too, Ryan, but you can’t keep doing this. This is the second time this week. I have to work tomorrow.
RA: What, and just like that you’re supposed to be, like, out of my life? I can’t just forget about you. I can’t just pretend like you don’t fucking mean anything to me.
SB: Ryan, you know that’s not what I’m saying. Have you been drinking?
RA: That is what you’re saying. So what if you don’t love me anymore. I can’t help how I still feel. I don’t fucking want to help it.
SB: Ryan, that’s your problem. You never want to help it. You never want to help yourself. You just dwell in your own misery. I don’t know why you won’t like forward, why you’re afraid of moving on, maybe being happy again.
RA: I haven’t been happy since you broke my heart.
SB: Ryan, I’m sorry things had to be like that. You know I’d never try to hurt you. But that was a long time ago. You can’t keep… Maybe then I hurt you, but now…
RA: Now what? It still feel just the same. It’s like, everywhere it feels the same. My head feels like heartbreak. My music feels like heartbreak. My drugs feel like heartbreak. My heart feels like heartbreak. Everything. Even, like, drinking a fucking glass of water feels like heartbreak.
SB: Ok, maybe then, but not now. This isn’t something I did to you! It is ion your own head. It’s like you want to feel this way! It’s like, I don’t know… It’s like your break your own heart, or something.